The Stone of Abicore
There was a dull, grey mist in the air as Cyrus the elf moved quietly down a dimly lit, stone corridor in the cave of wonders. Thoughts put in place by old tales and gossipy hearsay reminded him of the dangers in this bleak place. A noise drifted around a corner, which brought Cyrus to a stop. Holding his breath, he silently and swiftly drew his blade and gathered his strength. Encarthara, his sword, had been passed down through the generations of his family. It measured 3 feet in length, and was engraved with carvings that told the story of his family’s history. The sword was enchanted, and the carvings changed as time moved on into the future. A thought passed through his head as he wondered what the sword would show after this adventure.
The noise was growing louder and Cyrus could now sense that there was a group of beings traveling at a trot in his direction. His elf ears had the magical ability to sense sounds hundreds of miles away, but he could tell the growing noise was now within one mile. The noise was unmistakably the pitter-patter of uncovered feet. This meant that whatever was coming his way was an uncivilized creature, such as a troll, goblin or orc.
The corridor Cyrus stood in was a quarter-mile long with no turns or places to hide. Battle was about to ensue; there was no other way around it. Moans and groans could now be heard from the monsters that approached, and Cyrus positioned his feet for the first clashes with these deviled beasts.
In the dark distance their blurry silhouettes were now visible: three goblins, each over 6 feet tall. Dark green abused bodies with the scars of one hundred battles covered the goblins, and each of them held clubs and shields in their massive, bulging hands.
The first Goblin sprinted towards Cyrus without caution, like a wolf taking advantage of an injured fawn, but undermining his enemy proved to be a fatal mistake. Cyrus dropped his blade on the goblin’s cranium, putting an immediate stop to the other two goblin’s trots. With his black eyes wide open, the first goblin fell to his knees and eventually the ground, his head split in two. Before the other two goblins could raise their clubs, Cyrus jumped up with all his might screaming, “vengeance!” and tackled one of the remaining goblins to the floor. They tussled and turned, grappling with each other on the dusty floor. The goblin that was on his feet raised his club and slammed it down narrowly missing Cyrus’ head. Cyrus now saw an opportunity, and rolled to his back, pulling the goblin he wrestled on top of him just in time for the standing goblin to club his ally in the head knocking him out cold. Now it was one on one.
Cyrus returned to his feet and the large, green goblin slowly made it’s way toward him, smacking his bat into his hand, as if to say, I’m coming to get you! Cyrus did not flinch. He picked up some dirt and pebbles off the ground and threw them right into the goblin’s face. The goblin leaned back in pain for a fraction of a second, and Cyrus knew just what to do. In a barely audible tone, Cyrus began to chant the song of his fathers. His family’s spirits came to his aid bringing Encarthara to a cool, blue glow. He thrust his sword into the goblin as he went down on one knee and whispered under his breath, “Now I have paid my respects, father.” and with that, the three guards of the Stone of Abicore had been slain.
Cyrus went forth cautiously even though he heard of no other obstacles in obtaining the Stone. At first, he thought the twinkle he saw in the corner of his eye was just a flicker of light from a torch, but he knew well that this could be the sign he was waiting for. Cyrus the brave went forward and saw with his own eyes the most beautiful stone he had ever seen in his short life. The stone resembled a circle with a diameter of about 1 foot. On it was a sketching of the old world Cyrus was raised in, while the perimeter was encrusted with precious jewels and gems. Even though this stone would guarantee Cyrus would never have to worry about money again. He planned on returning it to the museum from which it was stolen so many years ago.
Cyrus reached out to grab the tablet and felt a strange electricity when his fingers touched it. He quickly put it in his leather sack and was amazed at what happened next. The wall had seemed to turn to liquid. Was this a portal to another world? There was only one way to find out…
Way to go! It's getting better and better. A 1 foot stone, for instance, might only weigh about 60 lbs, still hefty for a leather bag, but not for a great warrior like Cyrus! Good descriptions, nice expansion. BTW, since you seem to like fantasy, read the "Sabriel-Lirael-Abhorsen" trilogy by Garth Nix(or, even better, listen to the CDs read by Tim Curry, if you haven't already. Hot stuff and some great sword descriptions. I like the glow of Encarthara because of the family spirits, but the blue is too Tolkien - that's Sting's color. I also like the changing pictures. Changing inscriptions have been done, but I like your take on it.
ReplyDeleteDON'T USE ORC! That's definitely a steal from Tolkien. Make up your own name!! And. alas, the goblin is still green.
My advice is to ruthlessly purge the more derivative parts and substitute your own concepts. You have a terrific story here. To copy is to weaken, and it is clear that you have the imagination and the skill to make this story your own. The derivative portions are only the skin, anyway. The bones and muscles are clearly Matt and Matt alone. Good work!
P.S. You will see green skin in my story. I make no excuses or apologies! Just a cat-o-nine-tails across the delts, I guess.
Matt:
ReplyDeleteI have changed my mind. I'm having so much fun writing my short piece (which keeps getting longer), "The Vengeance of Kreelakh," that I want to use this as my story. Please comment freely. Excoriate, no flay me! Anyway, have a read and make suggestions, please.
David
P.S. And, thanks for the inspiration. Aside from "The Terror of Lostman 5," and the story about Charley this is only piece of imaginative prose I have written since elementary school. And in my case, that is, indeed, a long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away! NTW, I would appreciate your take on the Lostman 5 story, since it seems as you share at least some of my tastes in literature.
P.P.S. I also recommend for a listen (my day is totally full of literature; I read at night, but listen to books during the day whenever I get the chance - so many books, so little time left!)the "Dark Materials" trilogy, read by Philip Pullman and a great supporting cast!
Matthew-
ReplyDeleteI like the added description! The map on the stone is of the "old world" - so he is in the new world now? Just a question -
becca
I have made an attempt at ?poetry? - I think this is has a better chance at being the piece I will submit because "Mama and Daddy" and "Life on Avalon Lane" have no clear direction in my mind, or on paper. Let me know what you think.
ReplyDeleteBecca
Love it!
ReplyDeleteA few thoughts, your first paragraph is so strong but I don't like the final sentence of "Cyrus wondered...." Use that great language to reword this sentence to keep it as strong as the rest of the first paragraph.
Also, I think the vengence scream is a powerful and important part of the stroy, but is gets glazed over by putting the word mid sentence. I would consider giving more importance to this by begiing your sentence with "Vengence!" to really give the reader the sense of anger and urgency.
Fine, fine work. I am really into this, and I don't even like this genre!