The following bullets are the outline/plan for my writer's workshop, modeled piece of writing. They could be used on a story mountain to illustrate "the way stories tend to go".
1) Cyrus travels through a dark corridor
2) Cyrus encounters goblins
3) Cyrus destroys goblins
4) Cyrus sees the tablet
5) Cyrus obtains the tablet
The Tablet of Abicore
There was a dull, grey mist in the air as Cyrus the elf moved quietly down a dimly lit, stone corridor in the cave of wonders. Thoughts put in place by old tales and gossipy hearsay reminded him of the dangers in this bleak place. A noise drifted around a corner, which brought Cyrus to a stop. He quickly drew his blade and gathered his strength. He would need all he could muster to overcome the goblins that ran at full speed in his direction.
The first Goblin turned the corner and Cyrus dropped his blade on the goblin’s cranium, putting an immediate stop to the other two goblins trots. Before they could raise their axes, Cyrus jumped up screaming, “vengeance!” and tackled one of the remaining goblins and putting a quick end to its existence. Now it was one on one.
The large, green goblin slowly made it’s way toward Cyrus smacking his bat into his hand, as if to say, I’m coming to get you! Cyrus did not flinch. He picked up some dirt and pebbles off the ground and threw them right into the goblin’s face. The goblin leaned back in pain and Cyrus saw his chance. He thrust his sword into the goblin as he went down on one knee and whispered under his breath, “Now I have paid my respects, father.” and with that, the three guards of the Tablet of Abicore had been slain.
Cyrus went forth cautiously even though he had heard of no other obstacles in obtaining the tablet. At first, he thought the twinkle he saw in the corner of his eye was just a flicker of light from a torch, but he knew well that this could be the sign he was waiting for. Cyrus the brave went forward and saw with his own eyes the most beautiful stone he had ever seen in his short life. The tablet resembled a circle with a diameter of about 3 feet. On it was a story of the old world drawn in jewels and gems. Even though this tablet would guarantee Cyrus would never have to worry about money again. He planned on returning it to the museum from which it was stolen so many years ago.
Cyrus reached out to grab the tablet and felt a strange electricity when his fingers touched it. He quickly put it in his leather sack and was amazed at what happened next. The wall had seemed to turn to liquid. Was this a portal to another world? There was only one way to find out…
Interesting short story! I have a few questions that may or may not need to be clarified in a short story -
ReplyDeleteWhat world is Cyrus in? One where elves have museums I am guessing. Maybe just a touch of description would be helpful in setting the stage.
Is Cyrus "Cyrus the elf" or "Cyrus the Brave"? Should "Brave" be in caps? is that a title from a previous adventure?
Goblin #2 was dispatched without the slightly graphic description you included for #1 and #3 - did he use a short sword? a daggar? a longer sword?
I look forward to reading more!!
Becca
Matthew-
ReplyDeletegot your note - thanks - I am planning on using the Avalon Lane piece to expand -
Becca
Wow, the makings of a fantastic tale are here. I love where and how you choose to stop the story, it definitely leaves the reader wanting more, which as David says, means it has the makings of potential greatness.
ReplyDeleteMy thoughts for improving the peice are to slow down and use more description in the story. Show, don't tell. Like a good meal, slow down and let your reader savor it... descibe the initial sound Cyrus hears, expand paragraph one, expand the fight scene with the third goblin (that will be awesome!), and describe the stone. Also, you talk about seeing the most beautiful stone ever, then suddenly jump to the tablet. Is the tablet behind the stone, under the stone, what? Also, in the second to last paragraph, the second to last sentence is a sentence fragment.
I can't wait to read the next revision!
Matt:
ReplyDeleteI will be using the three poems on my blog as my paper -
"Chris' Song"
"To John"
"Small Boats"
David
Having read "The Lord of the Rings" first in 1963, and having had a daughter who has still no passed entirely out of her unicorn and enchanter phase, I have read a lot of elf and goblin stuff over the years. That's why I would find this much more interesting if you made the characters something else(like Paolini's Urgals and Ra'zac, although he did use elves). You have the makings of a very nice tale. here, nonetheless, and I really would like to see more. I like that bit about Cyrus dropping to his knee. That's a nice touch, explains his earlier cry, and needs nothing further at this point. But the fights are too short! If goblins are that easy to conquer, they aren't much of a foe for Cyrus.
ReplyDeleteSome persnickety stuff:
-The image of Cyrus stuffing a 3-foot stone tablet into his sack is a little hard to buy, unless the elf is both huge and immensely powerful.
-The bit about the museum sounds a little too "Indiana Jones" for a sword epic. I is true that the Hobbits have the Mathom House in Michel Delving, which is a museum, but Tolkien put a lot into "The Hobbit" that he may have regretted when he went on to do the Trilogy. Museums are a latish development in our culture and, for me at least, do not fit.
-"goblins' trots" needs an apostrophe.
-"Vengeance!" needs a capital letter.
- I agree with Becca about the "brave-Brave" thing. It sounds like a title, like "Nigel the Bruce."
-Does the goblin have to be green? This reminds me of the conversation between Ford Prefect and Arthur Dent in which the former is describing the Vogons. Green goblin also brings Spiderman to mind.
Anyway. keep it up! This is a great start.